Friendship

Friendships don’t thrive by chance​

Read time: 7 mins

Hi Reader,

One area often overlooked in our hectic schedules is the cultivation of friendships.

Recently, I came across talks touching on an essential yet underexplored aspect of life: the importance of friendship. Inspired by these talks, I sent a survey to the subscribers of this newsletter to explore how friendships impact us today—and your responses were just as insightful.

One quote from Simon Sinek said it best:

Most of us assume friendships will look after themselves.

We often assume we can reconnect later, but "later" can be hard to find.

This leaves us without the deep connections we rely on, especially in times of need.

Your survey responses confirmed this: time, effort, and emotional support are the building blocks of meaningful friendships. But as many of you shared, maintaining these connections as adults is no easy task.

Bulleted list of takeaways / At a glance:

• How friendships shape us
• Huberman - Brackett: Texting, relationships, emotional intelligence.
• Tools and templates

How friendships shape us

Here's a way of framing it that I can't get out of my head:

Friendships are like the roots of a tree. Often unseen, but vital to our well-being.

There are three types of people in your life:

1. Leaves: around from time to time when the weather is good. They provide shade in the summer, and fall off and disappear in the winter.
2. Branches: more present and stable than leaves, but not permanent. They look strong, but apply too much pressure and they might break off.
3. Roots: permanent people. Deep and wide. Everpresent throughout the year. Leaves and branches come and go, but roots are there forever.

I love it.

There's nothing wrong with leaves and branches. When times are good, these people add to the joy. It's just important to avoid the mistake of counting on them in bad times.

Some important questions come out of this idea:

• Who are your roots?
• Who are the people who will be there through good and bad?
• Who are the people who will sit in the mud with you?
• Find them. Cherish them. Be the roots for someone else.

These podcast conversations reveal a bit more about how deep those roots run.

Texting and Emotional Disconnect (Huberman & Brackett)

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(2 hour 40 minute video... but the link above is timestamped to the section relevant to this newsletter: Texting and relationships. Also available on Spotify.)

Texting is like skimming the surface of an ocean. It offers quick exchanges but lacks emotional depth.

Dr. Andrew Huberman and Dr. Marc Brackett pointed out that texting, while convenient, strips away the richness of communication. Without tone and facial expressions, messages lose weight. Over time, relying on texting alone can rob friendships of true connection.

Many of you echoed this. While WhatsApp and video calls keep long-distance friendships alive, they don’t fully replace face-to-face moments. One reader shared, "Regular WhatsApp messages help, but they miss the depth of real conversations."

The Hidden Cost of Success (Sinek & Noah)

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(A 24-minute video. I can't highly recommend it enough. Also available on Spotify)

Success comes at a price. Too often, that price is friendship.

Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah spoke about how high-achievers cancel plans with friends, assuming they’ll understand.

When things get tough, it's not work that holds us up—it’s our friends. "Your friends will be there for you, your work won’t," Sinek said. The hours spent chasing goals won’t comfort us, but the people we neglect might.

This struck a chord with many of you, too. One reader admitted, "Finding time to meet up is a challenge I face constantly, especially with work demands always looming."

In my case, it hasn't been because of work. Here me out, Reader, I'm not the definition of a high achiever, but a lot of the time I used to have for friends has disappeared because of my increased responsibilities at home.

Friendship: the ultimate biohack

Sinek calls friendship "the ultimate biohack"—a natural antidote to stress and loneliness.

Your responses reinforced this. One reader shared, "My friends were there for me during a tough time last year, and their support made all the difference." Small, consistent acts of presence become lifelines in difficult moments.

What you told me about friendship - a snapshot of this community

These conversations sparked my interest in this topic, but your responses revealed even more.

Here are some key themes from the 40 of you who responded:

Time and scheduling conflicts

Many of you said that finding time for friends is one of the biggest challenges. "Balancing time between work, family, and friends feels like an impossible juggling act," one respondent wrote.

The importance of consistency

Despite the challenges, many emphasized the importance of consistent contact. "It’s the small check-ins that make me feel valued and connected," one reader noted. It’s not always grand gestures, just steady effort.

Distance and communication

Technology helps, but it doesn’t fully replace in-person interaction. "Years can pass without meeting up, but the connection remains strong through regular calls," shared one respondent.

Emotional support

When things get hard, friends are often the first to provide comfort. "My friends were my safety net when things became overwhelming," one reader wrote, reflecting how essential emotional presence is, especially when the world feels chaotic.

Other notable contributions

Many of you shared stories about the friendships that anchor your lives. Here are some of the ones that really stood out to me:

• Long-distance friendships:
  Distance can feel like an ocean between friends.
  One reader wrote, "Most of my closest friends live in a different country. Social media helps, but it's a passive way of keeping in touch—mainly forwarding memes instead of having deep, meaningful discussions."​
  Another described moving to Australia and missing weekly football games with childhood friends. Now, they stay connected through WhatsApp and video calls, but the absence is felt.
• Challenges of adult life:
  Even when friends live close, life can still pull us apart. "Family, kids, work—everything gets in the way," one respondent reflected.
  The shared sentiment was clear: we don’t have to be miles apart to feel the distance. The routines and responsibilities of adulthood often make friendships harder to nurture.

What's the most important thing a friend has done for you in the last year?

• Being there in tough times:
  In difficult moments, friends are the lighthouse guiding us through. "A friend drove over two hours just to have lunch with me," one reader shared.
  Another mentioned how their friend provided comfort when their dog was diagnosed with cancer. It's not always grand gestures—it’s the consistent presence that leaves a lasting imprint.
• Acts of daily kindness:
  Simple, steady acts matter most.
  One respondent recounted how a friend visited them daily during a hospital stay, bringing books, movies, and conversations.
  Another reflected on how a friend called them at the perfect moment, describing it as "telepathic." These moments remind us that true friendship is about showing up, often without being asked.

The biggest challenge in maintaining friendships as an adult

• Time is the real distance:
  ​"Lack of time!" wrote one respondent, a parent juggling family and work. This echoed across the responses. Without conscious effort, friendships fade into the background.
  Scheduling meetups becomes essential, especially with friends who are no longer just around the corner.
• Changing values:
  As life unfolds, our paths diverge. "I’ve realised my values might not be aligned with my friends, but that's okay," one reader shared.
  This insight speaks to the evolving nature of friendships and the acceptance required to keep them alive, even when things shift.
• Discovering new friendships:
  "Most of my friendships are from 20 years ago, and we don’t live close anymore," one respondent explained. Many echoed this struggle—forming new friendships in adulthood feels daunting.
  It’s not that we’ve forgotten how to make friends, but that our lives leave little room for new beginnings.

When friendships end

• Trust and loyalty:
  Friendships are like glass—once broken, they’re hard to repair. "If you betray me in something important or stop caring about the friendship, it’s over," one reader noted. Trust and loyalty are the pillars. When they crumble, so too does the friendship.
• Growing apart:
  Life’s currents pull us in different directions. "We take different life paths, and there’s no longer consistency or shared enthusiasm," another respondent shared. Friendships, like love, can fade over time. It doesn’t always end in conflict—sometimes, it simply ends because we’ve changed.

Conclusion:

If you got this far, you're part of 74% of subscribers, so thank you, Reader.

This was an enriching and enjoyable newsletter to put together. I feel lucky to have gotten a behind-the-scenes look at so many friendships, and to have done this with the readers of this very newsletter.

There's a lot more to this topic than a few podcasts, a survey, and a newsletter. I plan on revisiting it in the future.

Here are a few photos of the friends who responded (shared with their permission)

I'd love to engage with you all in the future again. If you're interested in taking part or want to share this newsletter with someone, click here to subscribe.

See you in two weeks.

​Peace,

Has

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